The tenth day of April

working on taxes, got freaked out so I decided to go through drawings from the last 3 months instead. All were done while teaching.

When I was a student I had a great teacher named Ira Mateson. He taught me how to draw and sculpt the figure, there were other teachers but his words were the ones I could hear and understand.  But when he drew on my work I could not retrieve it. It was lost to Ira’s hand and no longer mine.  When I teach figure drawing, I keep an easel ready. When I feel the need to take over a students work, I go to my place and draw.  These are 5 to 1o minutes as then I can return to the students and not take over. The drawing of Danny maybe a bit longer but not much.

The seventeenth of March

I wish I had the words to explain how emotions raise and flow, how some of the things, that are the worst that have happened to a person, will come to the surface sparked by the unseen. All of the shrink talk and theroies on how to survive life, be happy, fade, when a returned momery takes hold. If ya put it on the web, you may find yourself regretting the revealing.

To my friends, thank you

Drawings

The fifteenth of March

Students using a stick and ink to draw.

At first the students in all 3 classes looked at me as if I was a little crazy, and for some the letting go of control was hard. I mean its a stick… from the park around Pratt and india ink. After a first drawing with that, I taped inch wide brushes on other long sticks and the drawings were done with both.  The idea is to step  back, see the whole paper throughout the experience. For some students, it was very freeing, for others, not so much.

We are not all the same.

 

 

In relationship to my last post about my depression and wonders of my usefulness. Several people have written some very supportive advice and others have told me of similar feels. There much that I have, and there is much that I must learn.

Thank you

 

 

The 13th of March

I have not written because I have been depressed and confessed.

I have failed at becoming successful. What is success?  In my field being invited to shows, getting in shows, selling, being recognized as an artist and being respected for it.

I have also failed in relationships.  I am a foolish person who believes what people say. I know, you are thinking, what a child. How many times my father said, people lie, all people lie, I didn’t believe him. Strange, I should have believed him of all people.

Anyway, in this depression, I tried to get someone to understand the lonelyness felt by someone when they are alone to the point of knowing, they are totally unneeded. Having no one depended on you is not a lovely freedom but one of the loneliness states of being.

What makes a person necessary?

Anyway, this week, I painted with a stick in ink these:

Finally, I talked to someone who said my saddnes was understandable, (sometimes, thats all you need) I was able to work again. When all there is in your life that maybe of value is your art, when it is frozen, all the breath in you it taken.

Now I am working on this:DSC_0651

I am breathing again.

 

23, Feb, 2016

My first view of Mexico on Feb 13th. I did not blog while I was there as I had decided to not bring my computer. I was interesting to see how much time I spend with it.  I took a lot of images yet not as many as I could have. I wanted at times to just remember.  I went to the church on Sunday the 14th. It is a beautiful place, the mass was in english and Spanish. After many people took photos in the church, I almost did but felt like I was invading the peace of the people praying. Many tourist did take photos, phones flashing every where, it just got me thinking. I have no conclusion yet.

the 22nd of Febuary, 2016

I am so tired. Today I taught, but didn’t teach. I had the 3D printer lab guys come in, to talk to the students about what’s up in 3D printing. Then I taught, really taught, Beginning Drawing.  I told the student about my fears on the trip. How I understood them better now, as I was in a printing class doing techniques I really knew nothing about, some of which I had never heard of. While the other students knew print making, I was a beginner in a major way.

My biggest fear on the trip, was not being out of the US while being unable to speak the language, or being robbed,or drinking the wrong water, or any of the other terrible things people warned me about. No it was “fear of paper”. Fear of paper is real, this blank 48 x 50 inch paper, worth $6, with all its empty whiteness just about killed me. More on that later.

I talked to the class about a drawing I am trying to make of the old woman at the bus stop that helped me, laughing sweetly the whole time. I was a lost kid. How do I go about drawing from memory a face, etched in my mine but not on paper, nor did I take a camera picture of her. I wanted to, but wondered if I would have been rude to do so.  It was such a beautiful momment. It reminded me of a Jordanian man telling me,  we should remember in our mind,  how the air moved, what that minute smelled like, and what one felt, rather than taking a picture. So I didn’t steal part of her soul with my camera. I will draw her from memory. If I can.

I keep thinking about the continuious change the world goes through. I read several articles on the up coming presidential election. I can not believe Trump has gotten this far. Maybe we could just put a wall around Trump, to keep us safe.

I kept thinking all day, what a short trip I had in Mexico, but how happy and greatful I am for having gone. When I was 18, in college, there was this guy, I thought I loved. We talked of going to Mexico. We plan it, atleast I thought we had. So I quit my jobs, gave up my apartment and was ready to go.  I went to his room and he was gone. No note, no good bye. I was lost, shocked, I walked to a poetry reading and Philosphical discussion, on the meaning and question of jealousy at a book store, given by a group called the Shelly Poets. I do not know why I went, nor do I know why they have decided on this topic. I think I needed to fill in space right then, and it was next door.

There were other times I wanted to go to Mexico, but could not. This time I went, but a week was way to short. One reason I wanted to go,  I would not be traveling alone. I would be with a group. I am a single person in the world, and wonder, if its possible to decided anything when people are involved.

This was my room in Mexico.roomlizard

This was the lizzard outside my window, please note, I was on the 3rd floor and it was in a tree.

And for now good night as I slip once again into a benydrl sleep.

 

making stuff